You smell like a Billy Joel song
My pussy is not your playground.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
