If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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