"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
