I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
