We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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