I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
