the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
