The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
