her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
