Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
