we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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