so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
