Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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