oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
