im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
