I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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