Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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