Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
