ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
