Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
