my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
