Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
