When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Enjoy the penises
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
