I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
