My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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