kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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