who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
