walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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