Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
