I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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