Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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