i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
