I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
