I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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