I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
