my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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