You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
