why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
