I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
