you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
