we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
