Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
