every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
