mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
