and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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