I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
