Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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