WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
