You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
