My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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