If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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