How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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