Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
