I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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