I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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