My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
