Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
