a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?