are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
